its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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