i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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