I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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