i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
