piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
