Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
