and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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