Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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