Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
