I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
