apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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