last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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