If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
