Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
