I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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