My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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