at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
