Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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