You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
