Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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