these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
