Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
