Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
