I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize