Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
