Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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