Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
be right there i have to get my cape
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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