I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
That's intense
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
