she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
