i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
