oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I could fuck to npr.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
