Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
