i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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