My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
