have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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