i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize