If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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