He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
