Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
