Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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