I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He kissed a someone with a penis
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
