We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
