I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
