Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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