the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
