I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I think we might need a safe word for this...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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