shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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