Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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