so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When are your genitals available?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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