"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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