Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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