My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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