I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
