I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
