Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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