My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
