I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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