you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
