my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
oh god the rape fog is back!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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